by Sonja McEwan
I didn’t seem myself. It was way too early in the season for SAD and it felt strange… it was getting worse with each day but I kept pushing to get through. A dear friend shared a picture that she believed God had given her for me in a moment of prayer. She saw me lying prostrate in the bottom of a well, looking up at a pin-prick of light in the distance. Then the image cut to a picture of the parable where a paralyzed man was carried by his friends up to the top of a house and lowered through the ceiling to see Jesus. My friend believed that this was how it would be for me also. That I could not “DO” my way out of whatever was going on, but that it would be my friends who would carry me.
Interesting. I tucked this away in my mind asking God to reveal the truth of it in His timing, and I carried on.
Within weeks my very full and wonderful life came to a full stop. A serious episode of clinical depression had descended and my thoughts were tormenting me at EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. It was torture.I tried to read my bible to somehow battle my mind which had turned on me, but words did not make sense. I tried to listen to podcasts, but my mind betrayed me then, as well. Nothing made sense, nothing stuck. I felt that I was dying inside...alone.
Yet, God continued to show up.
During a visit from one sweet friend, she shared thoughts about the paralyzed man whose friends carried him up to the top of the house and through the ceiling to see Jesus. My heart skipped a beat. Was this a reminder from God? Could it be a gift for me?
Weeks later, while home alone, in my bed acutely feeling my loneliness and despair, I cried out to God expressing my feelings of being judged, misunderstood and so alone in depression. Not 10 minutes later, I received a text message from someone that I hadn’t had contact with in many months, someone living in another province. The text read:
“You have been on my mind...God wants you to know he is with you and he does not judge you! You will accomplish great things…Do not be afraid.”
What?! “Who Is This?” I quickly typed. Could God be speaking to me through a text message? My broken heart soared. I knew beyond with certainty that He was with me…that He DID have a plan for all of this.
My journey with clinical depression continued. My tormented thoughts were not gone. My exhaustion not lifted, my heart not mended, BUT my hope was slightly elevated. Even if no one else understood what was truly happening. Even if I was alone in my pain. My Abba-Father had a plan…I praised Him through the tears.
In the months to follow, after receiving help and prayer the healing process was taking hold. The message to keep my hands open in surrender continued to be whispered in my ear by my heavenly Daddy who was right with me through it all. He was good when I was at my lowest low and He remained good as my hope was coming alive again and the pieces of my life began to take new shape and purpose.